TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
S O O N
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.