I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My love language is deader than Latin
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man