Monday?
No. Next question.
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
How can I say no to this ?