Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.