The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
fourth time’s the charm
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]