cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
You Might Also Like
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
So sick of all these stupid rules
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?