THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”