a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.