If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
pat pat