Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
🦝🔥🦝🔥