Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.