early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.