When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
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i wish i could marry a nap
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.