GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
You Might Also Like
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider