I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
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Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
tourist season
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me too, bag. Me too….
Leonardo DiCaprisun
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.