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I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.