What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Pot warmers of the day.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay