Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*