I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
In banana years, I am bread.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.