Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.