Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
You Might Also Like
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET