Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
You Might Also Like
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
shampoo implies shampee
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Actually cracking up @ this
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.