Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Ion see the issue
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”