dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Running your mouth is not cardio.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Canadian owl: Eh?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.