Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.