The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
You Might Also Like
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: