my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue