People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
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Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
For the orator and chef in all of us
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.