My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*checks Timeline*…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted