I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that