My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
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The biggest mystery of our time
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.