We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
You wish you had this many chins.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.