[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.