stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase