[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.