People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany