ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
cyclists
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.