my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.