What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Oops
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.