[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
had to share :’)