I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.