i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
You Might Also Like
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.