Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.