Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road