If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?