Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?