Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.