You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Y’all ready for this
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Order here:
More here:
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.