Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles