My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”